Glenn Beck, Conservative

Glenn Beck's article defines conservative. I give you a helpful interpretation of his bullshit.

Glenn Beck’s Version of Conservatism	My Interpretation of Glenn Beck
A conservative believes that our inalienable rights do not include housing, healthcare or Hummers.	The poor have a right to be homeless, sick, and walk to work. Conservatives have the inalienable right to destroy the environment with gas-guzzling Hummers if they want to.
A conservative believes that our inalienable rights DO include the pursuit of happiness. That means it is guaranteed to no one.	A conservative has the right to be greedy.
A conservative believes that those who pursue happiness and find it have a right to not be penalized for that success.	A conservative believes in selfishness and the right to screw the poor out of the little they have.
A conservative believes that there are no protections against the hardship and heartache of failure. We believe that the right to fail is just as important as the chance to succeed and that those who do fail learn essential lessons that will help them the next time around.	A conservative believes that there are no protections against failure, unless you are rich or have connections, in which case, you can hire a good lawyer.
A conservative believes in personal responsibility and accepts the consequences for his or her words and actions.	A conservative only believes in personal responsibility for others. If you are Glenn Beck (who failed to be responsible for his own sickness), or Rush Limbaugh (who failed to be responsible for his own drug abuse), you get a pass.
A conservative believes that real compassion can't be found in any government program.	A conservative believes that there ought to be no such thing as compassion because it is weak.
A conservative believes that each of us has a duty to take care of our neighbors. It was private individuals, companies and congregations that sent water, blankets and supplies to New Orleans far before the government ever set foot there.	Conservatives believe only in helping neighbors if helping them also helps you (c.f. Barbara Bush’s Katrina donation that went directly to her son’s business of which she was on the board).
A conservative believes that family is the cornerstone of our society and that people have a right to manage their family any way they see fit, so long as it's not criminal. We are far more attuned to our family's needs than some faceless, soulless government program.	Conservatives believe that people have a right to manage their family as long as they are not gay or working single mothers. Oh, and conservatives believe in the right to beat their children as long as nobody notices.
A conservative believes that people have a right to worship the God of their understanding. We also believe that people do not have the right to jam their version of God (or no God) down anybody else's throat.	Conservatives believe in a Christian nation, state-sponsored prayer in public school, and destroying the separation of Church and State, and lie about it too.
A conservative believes that people go to the movies to be entertained and to church to be preached to, not the other way around.	Conservatives believe that preaching belongs only to the pastor and to conservative media pundits like Glenn Beck.
A conservative believes that debt creates unhealthy relationships. Everyone, from the government on down, should live within their means and strive for financial independence.	Conservatives believe in corporate instead of individual welfare. They also believe in owning a house on a ranch to get farm subsidies, a personal hobby of playing golf so that they can take corporate right-offs, and the best off-shore tax shelters money can buy.
A conservative believes that a child's education is the responsibility of the parents, not the government.	Conservatives believe that only rich children should be educated.
A conservative believes that every human being has a right to life, from conception to death.	Conservatives believe that fetuses have a right to life, but not to health care, shelter, food, or healthy parents.
A conservative believes in the smallest government you can get without anarchy. We know our history: The larger a government gets, the harder it will fall.	Conservatives believe in the largest corporations you can get, with or without anarchy. We know our history. The larger corporations get, the richer conservatives get.
Those are the things a conservative believes in, and they're the things that I believe in. Now, if only I could find a candidate to match.	Those are the things Glenn Beck believes in. He should run for President.