Go-Getter Eliminates Two Steps From Grieving Process

Fake news from The Onion:

CORNING, CA—Management consultant and recent widower Greg Pier successfully cut his grieving time by more than a third Friday by eliminating bargaining and depression from the mourning process following the death of his wife. "After three days in denial and a full night of anger, I realized that at that rate, I was never going to get over [wife] Betty's passing," said Pier, who convinced himself it was time to move on with his life after a simple cost-benefit analysis. "What am I supposed to do, mope around all day asking God to take me instead?" Piers noted that his intense grief should be even less time-consuming given his plans to avoid explaining to his children where their mother went.