Consolation

I'm reading a work on discernment, using St. Ignatius' Spiritual Exercises. In it, he writes about times of consolation and times of desolation. One type of consolation, "occurs unexpectedly; it is disproportionate to anything taking place in our prayer; one does not cause consolation through personal effort, nor does one hold onto it in any way' wholly drawn into God because there is no inner clutter between God and ourself. In this experience, we feel ourself more deeply; it is in losing the false sense that we find our true self in God."

One of my deepest experiences of consolation that I remember is the evening that I came out to a small group of friends and received affirmation and support (a very different experience from the time I was outed without permission to some friends). As I was driving home, even as I walking to the car, I felt the deepest sense of calm and peace that I have ever experienced. I felt a warm embrace and incredible love. I felt my false self fly away and my true self emerge as from a cocoon. I felt a weight and tenseness that I have carried in my shoulders my entire life, melt away. It was truly a feeling of deep consolation.

The feeling of consolation lasted through the night and the first half of the next day before it went away. I wish it didn't have to go away, because it felt so good. I feel again the weight and tension in my shoulders that I have always had. But if there were anyone who would yet try to convince me that God wants me to be someone else, I need only recall again this moment of consolation to know.